Category Archives: life

our goodbyes


I went to a service yesterday
a celebration of life
of a life well lived
in imperfection and struggle
he built bridges
so others could cross over troubled water
to meet in agreement
now he
has crossed over a bridge
we remembered who he was to us
some did not speak of it
some spoke very well
and there were tears
there was silent wailing
turning from there
and going on


max aud
bridge builder

buttermilk clouds




he once said outloud
with a strong
“those are buttermilk clouds”

i did not doubt him
for i loved the sound
of the words
that i heard

his voice is weak
and barely heard
above the sound of the
oxygen machine

he is hooked-up
in a solitary way
the food
the tube
entering through skin
into his stomach

no more hunger
only death can
release him
from the pain

the thorn
in his side
is breath



Photo ~  taken just outside of St. Libory, Illinois, on the way back from Indiana. Which was a trip to see the man that told me of buttermilk clouds..  The grandfather of my daughters and my ex-husband’s father. May 2, 2016.





I have been blogging for many years, and i have changed blogs, made new blogs, gone from blogger to wordpress and now both. I have three blogs at the moment. It has been interesting to say the least.

Writing on a blog has shown me that there are other people in the world that have some of the same interests as me. Through other bloggers i have learned what words can do. I have been encouraged and Loved in the many comments that have come my way.

People have come and gone, just like in any other part of my life. There is a time for everything. Everything has a season in our lives. I have found that to be true online that same as anywhere else. Except for the fact that being in the same space physically is usually out of the question.

At times people are led to do something together for a while.. To create something, or build something. Or they are led to say something to someone only once.

Anyway, what i am trying to say is that my time online, is just that…time online. And i don’t know anything beyond that.

I do know however, that i am sticking to a plan, which is God’s plan, and not my plan. And that is who i will continue to listen to.

So i don’t know exactly what is going to happen here, or anywhere else for that matter. But i know that that there will always be change.

The change i have been noticing in my blogging is that i read less. I was trying to keep up with everyone’s blogs because i like the people. But, some people post long and often and i just could not keep up. And so i stopped reading some and i’m reading others less often. It’s a gradual change, but, i see it happening.

I have exchanged a few postal addresses over the years with some bloggers, so some communication now has that added perspective. I don’t know if it will replace other types or not, it is just another gradual change that i have noticed happening.


#7 from the list of seven changes

☞ give something away instead of keeping it

I have felt this nudge more than a few times. And i know it’s time to starting giving some things away and only keep what i use. It could take a long time to gather up things and figure out where they should go.

Then there is the stuff like smiles, hugs, attention…Love.

I could probably make a very long list of all that there is to give and share.


photo via flickr

just thinking

#6 from the list of seven changes

think creatively instead of not thinking

I have been thinking about this list that i called seven changes, and writing about it. And, yes, they are things that could be positive. I don’t really know for sure. But, the one thing that i do know for sure is that is that without God, all that i do comes to nothing.

With that said, i would like to continue on with thinking creatively. To me, to think creatively is to think of something in more than one way.

If someone comes to me and asks me an either/or question, i should use my brain to think of more than one way. And that leads me to answer, why not both, or why not something different than those two options.

This is a reason that i have a hard time with personality tests. The answer i would give is not usually listed in their stupid multiple choices.

People can think creatively, but then there’s no fitting into the boxes. And that can either be seen as a problem or an advantage, or both, or something else all together…depending on how someone thinks.


photo via flickr


# 3 from the list of seven changes

Experience live music instead of recorded.

I put this one down because i don’t often go and see a live performance of any kind. My husband has gotten into the Portland symphony lately. I go with him to some of them, but i don’t have an appreciation for all of it.

When i was at the artist retreat, there were musicians there as well. I realized how much i liked hearing and seeing someone play and sing. I just like a small venue. And it doesn’t need to be someone famous.

I can’t even imagine how music was regarded before one could play recorded music. But i realize that it’s a social event. I think that i’m missing the more personal connection that local live music can offer.

I spend too much time in my own little circle and could make an effort to get in touch with more things in my own community. Live music will be one good way to do that.

photo from flickr


Number two from the list of thoughts.

2.. speak with God instead of trying to do it all

What can i say.  I talk to God in snippets throughout the day, and still i get caught up. I don’t know why it takes me so long to realize when i need to think a little deeper and wider when it comes to relating with God. My interaction can become shallow when i’m not giving things over to God to handle, or asking God for guidance and help.

One of the sure signs of needing to go deeper is when something is bothering me. Depending on what it is, i can take it and hold on like a dog with a meaty bone.  It’s really a very sad sight when i don’t let go with all that drooling and growling and such.


– photo via flickr



A choice is made. But, it takes a person ages to realize the immensity of it. We know that it was a choice to follow Jesus. We are brought to a place of awareness that, somewhere along the line, we have made the choice that our heart knows is right. And we find that choice being renewed over and over again as our minds and hearts are being renewed.

We had no idea what changes would take place in our heart. We did not know of all the breaking and comforting; or for that matter, all the Grace.

We start a process of being retaught, sometimes forgetting just who the teacher is, we are constantly being brought back on track as God speaks to us. He speaks to our spirit with His Holy Spirit. He speaks with a soft voice to our heart. And when we don’t listen, He waits…until we are ready to listen again.

Eventually we understand that we are to listen to His voice, and to do what He says. It must be His voice. And we know His voice. Our heart has always known his voice. And still we are constantly brought back on track. That never changes.

And one day we look around and find just how much change has taken place. It can be encouraging, and sometimes scary. But, still, our heart knows that we are in good hands.

If we are quiet and we listen, we know who God is, and who we are. And we know that the immensity is a very great Love that brings us home.

seven changes



Seven changes that i would like to think on and write about in the next few days.


1.. watch life instead of television
2.. speak with God instead of trying to do it all
3.. experience live music instead of recorded
4.. speak softly instead of loudly
5.. talk face to face instead of using a device
6.. think creatively instead of not thinking
7.. give something away instead of keeping it




coming of age


I look in the mirror and see, finally see, my oldness.  It’s been coming slowly enough that i was able to ignore it for quite awhile. But, now the image in my brain has finally caught up with reality. I can see why so many have compared aging to the changing of the seasons as it comes in slow turns. I not only now see my oldness, i am also feeling it deeply.

Old has come and there is no going back. Men’s eyes no longer follow my form. I am invisible to onlookers. Teens become silent. Young women keep their distance not wanting to become me. I am now a member of the old woman gang. The gang with chains of prayer and black leather boots. We have been stripped and refined. We are fierce.


I am thinking out loud here… about online communication and friendship compared to face to face communication and friendship.  It has occurred to me to leave this comparison for a moment to think about communication, and to think about friendship.

I’m awed at the possibilities within communication. And i think that perhaps friendship is a word that defines an expectation of past understandings to happen again. Communication is the actual process, people are touched, something makes a connection with a person. Friendship is a memory of something that has happened or something that is expected to continue.

The last thirty years has given more devices to interact beyond breath and touch.  That has it advantages and pit falls. To walk in the shoes, in a life, helps us to understand one another a little more.

That can be done in many ways, but, mainly it is done in each moment, with Love opening the heart to hearing, seeing and feeling without fear or expectation.

It all comes down to what is happening within our own heart, once again.  What is happening in our heart… in the moment.

How can the heart be ready, how can it understand?
How can it be open without fear or expectation?


Only in the asking.
Asking God
to take the stuff and handle it for us.

You know…give it up.

Moment to moment.

Life flows into and out of our open hands.
Death is usually the stuff that we hold onto.

in Jesus