i used to post about others, out of interest and now, i am going to post things that are my own thoughts and what i do. my own pictures and art. i have a hard time focusing on myself. it will take a huge change of the way i think as i have always lived through others i called it '"backing them up"... if i am to live as a person, i need to be involved as a person, with likes and dislikes, with thoughts and words. With what i do and why i do it.
It is critical to be able to have people in my life and be considerate of them while still being someone within myself. To have a portion of life that is responsibility for being a person. my self. I don't need to be only for myself. I don't need to stop being interested in others. There has to be a balance, in all things.
The best way that i am able to work on this is to ask for God's help. It is the best balance in the world, which meets the self with God first, and all other things become balanced below that. No other person or thing fills first place in my attention. An so here I am. Being me.
Being given Love that is more like an understanding. More like accepting, asking, waiting. Less envy, less hatred, less judgement of myself and others, less jealousy and less thinking in ways that humans usually think things should be.
I have felt bad for my relationships looking like failure to others, but people like to judge what is right for the world, and what is success and failure.
But having gone down this road for reasons that are more than i can figure out. No one is better or worse because they are married or single, divorced or separated.
No one is better or worse for being or not being a grandparent. I have listened to people saying that all I need is a grandchild to make my life full and right. I have no choice in what my daughters decide for themselves.
A few treated me less tan throughout my divorce, and after. Judgement, belief, ignorance, attitudes. People get judged unfairly everyday. We all do it. And I try not to get caught up in it.
So, these are the things that i continue to have to let go of, because there are feelings that i have, just like everyone else but I know that it is absolutely not my job to carry them anymore, because they get in the way of Love. And there is no use living life that way. It has been my ruin enough times that i am starting to learn a tiny bit about it. Not that it will fix my failures. There is no going back in time or getting another chance or a do-over. It's is not about my success. It is about love and how imperfect i am at it. I don't mind admitting that i am a total selfish and imperfect human. And i think that it is not a bad thing to realize my weaknesses in myself.
I went to a service yesterday
a celebration of life
of a life well lived
in imperfection and struggle
he built bridges
so others could cross over troubled water
to meet in agreement
now he
has crossed over a bridge
we remembered who he was to us
some did not speak of it
some spoke very well
and there were tears
there was silent wailing
turning from there
and going on
the sun was hot
but not the air
it was just right
the breeze
taking a breath
and then
blowing again
across the lake
and through my hair
and for a moment
almost believing
i belonged there
image: photo taken at the lower lake at the marissa rec area. illinois. may 2016
no trespassing…
it must be expressed
i guess
even though
i already know
that it’s not my place
within this space
i already know
this is so
and yet
i bet
if i did go
inside
i would not need to
hide
my face
walking the rail
is a game
that lasts
a short time
until the
unnatural
tame
balance
on the line
gives us up
Image: A combination of two photographs. One was taken at a railroad crossing just south of New Athens, Illinois. The other is an older photograph of a quilt that I used at the house in Oregon. The tracks represent the journey of schedules and rules that man makes. The quilt represents the comfort that exists off the track.
A LITTLE SOMETHIN' 