i used to post about others, out of interest and now, i am going to post things that are my own thoughts and what i do. my own pictures and art. i have a hard time focusing on myself. it will take a huge change of the way i think as i have always lived through others i called it '"backing them up"... if i am to live as a person, i need to be involved as a person, with likes and dislikes, with thoughts and words. With what i do and why i do it.
It is critical to be able to have people in my life and be considerate of them while still being someone within myself. To have a portion of life that is responsibility for being a person. my self. I don't need to be only for myself. I don't need to stop being interested in others. There has to be a balance, in all things.
The best way that i am able to work on this is to ask for God's help. It is the best balance in the world, which meets the self with God first, and all other things become balanced below that. No other person or thing fills first place in my attention. An so here I am. Being me.
Being given Love that is more like an understanding. More like accepting, asking, waiting. Less envy, less hatred, less judgement of myself and others, less jealousy and less thinking in ways that humans usually think things should be.
I have felt bad for my relationships looking like failure to others, but people like to judge what is right for the world, and what is success and failure.
But having gone down this road for reasons that are more than i can figure out. No one is better or worse because they are married or single, divorced or separated.
No one is better or worse for being or not being a grandparent. I have listened to people saying that all I need is a grandchild to make my life full and right. I have no choice in what my daughters decide for themselves.
A few treated me less tan throughout my divorce, and after. Judgement, belief, ignorance, attitudes. People get judged unfairly everyday. We all do it. And I try not to get caught up in it.
So, these are the things that i continue to have to let go of, because there are feelings that i have, just like everyone else but I know that it is absolutely not my job to carry them anymore, because they get in the way of Love. And there is no use living life that way. It has been my ruin enough times that i am starting to learn a tiny bit about it. Not that it will fix my failures. There is no going back in time or getting another chance or a do-over. It's is not about my success. It is about love and how imperfect i am at it. I don't mind admitting that i am a total selfish and imperfect human. And i think that it is not a bad thing to realize my weaknesses in myself.
I have had this blog for ages. Yet, i have neglected it for a bit.
I assumed that many people gave up blogging. I used to try new forms of web communication as it came available. I totally gave up on twitter. Tweets lost their appeal when there was no more tweetspeak poetry writing parties. that was fun, but it moved on to other things that i was not up to being or joining. Tweeting didn’t last.
i like facebook, because of the people that i know there. And there is a good chance of interaction.
When i write here, it’s my thought processing, maybe some journaling, knowing that the words might also be a communication with someone.
This is me coming to my own. sharing what comes from what i think and do. not what others do or think. I expect it to help me to see what i do, to have a balance between my focus on what everyone else is doing and thinking, and actually doing some of my own.
People don’t really know what to do with freedom. It is not complete, but abundant. If you do not look it in the eye and own it, then you can’t complain that you don’t have enough.
Make your way on that path of sweat and tears. Take a scenic tour. Freedom is is not a free ticket. Freedom is a chance for rolling up your sleeves and maybe doing something with it.
I don’t know what to choose. Or what to let go of. I know when people let go of me. I know when I can not do something anymore. I know that my hands look like the hands of an older woman. My skin is losing it’s touch. But my mind can still fly above clouds.
i see what will be a picture. if you see it and the image catches your attention, you have your own meaning, story, thoughts. what you see evokes a feeling, thought, memory. what becomes of the things it evokes?
rise up your head outa sleep and all the fog of want those sorry ghosts be gone there is this now knockin’ askin you to open your eyes to the day kick worry in the piddley ass tell it to go-da the dogs cause things gonna be fine
the mind finds the same path and takes it unless something takes it another way something some one thing it could be light maybe love or some kind of sight that puts up a battered blinking road block of sighs
A LITTLE SOMETHIN' 