i used to post
about others, out of interest
and now, i am going to post things
that are my own thoughts and what i do. my own pictures and art.
i have a hard time focusing on myself.
it will take a huge change of the way i think
as i have always lived through others
i called it '"backing them up"...
if i am to live as a person, i need to
be involved as a person, with likes and dislikes,
with thoughts and words. With what i do and why i do it.

It is critical to be able to have people in my life and be considerate of them
while still being someone within myself. To have a portion of life that is responsibility for being a person. my self. 
I don't need to be only for myself. 
I don't need to stop being interested in others. 
There has to be a balance, in all things.

The best way that i am able to work on this is to ask for God's help.
It is the best balance in the world, which meets the self with God first, 
and all other things become balanced below that. 
No other person or thing fills first place in my attention. 
An so here I am. Being me. 

Being given Love that is more like an understanding.  
More like accepting, asking, waiting. 
Less envy, less hatred, less judgement of myself and others, 
less jealousy and less thinking in ways that humans usually think things should be.

I have felt bad for my relationships looking like failure to others, 
but people like to judge what is right for the world, 
and what is success and failure.  

But having gone down this road for reasons that are more than i can figure out. 
No one is better or worse because they are married or single, divorced or separated.

No one is better or worse for being or not being a grandparent. 
I have listened to people saying that all I need is a grandchild to make my life full and right. I have no choice in what my daughters decide for themselves.
 
A few treated me less tan throughout my divorce, and after. Judgement, belief, ignorance, attitudes. People get judged unfairly everyday. We all do it. And I try not to get caught up in it. 

So, these are the things that i continue to have to let go of, because there are feelings that i have, just like everyone else but I know that it is absolutely not my job to carry them anymore, because they get in the way of Love.
And there is no use living life that way. It has been my ruin enough times that i am starting to learn a tiny bit about it. Not that it will fix my failures. There is no going back in time or getting another chance or a do-over. It's is not about my success. 
It is about love and how imperfect i am at it. I don't mind admitting that i am a total selfish and imperfect human. And i think that it is not a bad thing to realize my weaknesses in myself.

n.

Where
on the dot
What
just enough to sustain
When
it’s actually needed
How
we don’t see it coming
Why
is Love
Who
really knows