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I look in the mirror and see, finally see, my oldness.  It’s been coming slowly enough that i was able to ignore it for quite awhile. But, now the image in my brain has finally caught up with reality. I can see why so many have compared aging to the changing of the seasons as it comes in slow turns. I not only now see my oldness, i am also feeling it deeply.

Old has come and there is no going back. Men’s eyes no longer follow my form. I am invisible to onlookers. Teens become silent. Young women keep their distance not wanting to become me. I am now a member of the old woman gang. The gang with chains of prayer and black leather boots. We have been stripped and refined. We are fierce.

✜

I am thinking out loud here… about online communication and friendship compared to face to face communication and friendship.  It has occurred to me to leave this comparison for a moment to think about communication, and to think about friendship.

I’m awed at the possibilities within communication. And i think that perhaps friendship is a word that defines an expectation of past understandings to happen again. Communication is the actual process, people are touched, something makes a connection with a person. Friendship is a memory of something that has happened or something that is expected to continue.

The last thirty years has given more devices to interact beyond breath and touch.  That has it advantages and pit falls. To walk in the shoes, in a life, helps us to understand one another a little more.

That can be done in many ways, but, mainly it is done in each moment, with Love opening the heart to hearing, seeing and feeling without fear or expectation.

It all comes down to what is happening within our own heart, once again.  What is happening in our heart… in the moment.

How can the heart be ready, how can it understand?
How can it be open without fear or expectation?

Grace.

Only in the asking.
Asking God
to take the stuff and handle it for us.

You know…give it up.

Moment to moment.

Life flows into and out of our open hands.
Death is usually the stuff that we hold onto.

✜
in Jesus

body old
forced to see death
in my tightly gripped hands
fingers uncurl
as they
should have done
more
body young
i did not want to see
to know
what i now know
that life is death
and handing it over
opening my hands
over and over
is the real Life
giving
relationship
between God
and me

my undoing
of the layers
tightly worn in longing
and mourning
fall to their death
around my feet
and the muse
if there is one
will have none of it

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I told Sydney that fall doesn’t start until the new shows come on television, and that it has absolutely nothing to do with the weather. It was a joke, but, i really do want to hold off on fall off for a little longer.  Yes…i can see the signs of fall all around me. The nights have been cooler, leaves have begun to change colour. The evenings come sooner. I can see all of this…and still.  Well, i just don’t want to look at it too hard.  I want to taste every last drop of summer sweetness.

I have this calendar that lists some of the holidays in New Zealand. I noticed that today is father’s day for the NZ dads. I wonder if they get a new wool sweater and a meat pie.

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To see the Summer Sky
Is Poetry, though never in a Book it lie –
True Poems flee.

~Emily Dickinson

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This photo is from last week’s trip with Casey to see Moonrise Kingdom.  Good movie. The seats in this theatre are totally plush and rocking.  Gotta do that again.

~

I saw this lady this evening that had the prettiest colour of pants.  They were in between a magenta and purple. I just needed to write that.

This morning, Sydney and I drove into Portland to go to REI and Patagonia. Syd did well at REI, coming home with gortex shoes for harvest work along with some wool socks. I saw some boots there by keen…oh man, i have a thing for boots.  leather…soft leather.  We found absolutely nothing at Patagonia. (no, i didn’t get the boots, didn’t even try them on.)

We went by a big fountain while we walked the few blocks between stores. Some people were there in their swim suits, sunning on towels, and lots of small children with bigger hovering people next to them were in the water. Let me tell ya’; it was really crowded all around this fountain area. It was like a scene from the beach on sandcastle day.

Our last venture out for the day was to New Season’s Market for supper and to purchase a few groceries. We both had hotdogs. I go through this every summer.  At some point, i just feel this need to have a hotdog. I talked about it enough today that Sydney had to have one too.

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Peter and Casey are in New Zealand. They are living one day ahead of me and they are also living in late winter going into spring, seeing different stars than i can see. We are at least on the same planet.

Peter discovered upon arrival that his cell phone wouldn’t work. He found out that New Zealand dropped the CDMA coverage and switched to 3G only. His Ipad works. He loves his simple, voice-calls-only phone. He is going to need to get another phone before his next trip to NZ. He has been totally resisting the smart phone purchase. I used to want a smart phone, because i thought it was a cool gadget.  But, i have changed my mind, and realize i can live without it.

I, like many people, have been buying too many things that i don’t need in my life. Some things, i don’t use, or i am using unwisely, or depend on too much. It’s in my lifetime that people once lived a life without computers or television. Over all, these things haven’t made life on earth any better. Mainly because they are used in a way, in households, that is adding to physical, and mental, and social deterioration of the people in the house, and especially of the children. Parents have given their parenting over to TV programs, commercials, the World Wide Web, and other electronic gadgets.

Eh…that’s enough talk about this.

fire and weed
a burning splendor
erasing sameness
a ceremony
of heartbeat and heat
licking sweat from my lips
picking words from my tongue
the season is ripe
with the sun

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river of water from the clouds
fall winter spring
life growing out of decay
the colours in shade and light
on this golden day
one summer
july

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