in sin, my life

i am a sinner.
i could say that i can’t help myself.
it is true that i can’t change the fact that i’m a sinner.
yet, i know that i can choose to believe in Christ Jesus.
but even in belief, i am still a sinner.
and i wonder how belief makes a difference to a sinner like me.
just as before i believed, i want to do good, but, i also want to please myself.
how can i want to do good, when my passion is to please myself?
i think it’s probably because any good that i want to do, is also that which pleases me,
or makes me feel good about myself.
i want to be accepted by people and thought of as a good person.
i know that i am a sinner at heart, but, i want to think that i am not.
i want to do enough good so that most of the wrong is something i don’t think too much about.
maybe if i keep it small enough to sweep under the rug i won’t have to look at it.
and i won’t have to show it to anyone else.
i don’t want other people to see my sinful passions and greed.
i don’t want them to see that mountain under the rug.
and i really don’t like to think about the fact that God can see everything.
i like to use the handy excuse that there are other people much worse than me.
oh yes, there are other people doing terrible things.
i can compare myself to others and think i am better, or think i am worse.
as good as i can try to be or as good  as i try to think that i am, i can not be truly good.
i am not better,
i am not worse,
i am not good.
i am a sinner.
i do have passions, greed, and sinful thoughts.
i think about such things,
i know that i act on such things
and that i am capable of doing better and worse.
and somehow,
in all of this
i realize
that my only hope
is Jesus.
in His Spirit
and in His truth.
to turn to Him
and continue to turn to Him.
to look to Him
in my brokenness.
to try and live a life of following,
of turning again and again to Him.
humbly coming before my God as i am.
asking to be led by and changed by the Spirit.
asking for His help to forgive as i have been forgiven.
asking for His help to Love with His Love.
asking for His will to be done.
asking for His daily bread.
because i know
that i am a sinner.

7 thoughts on “in sin, my life

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