i have always been

2017 buds

i have always been an artist, in a sense of thinking that is. i think colour and shape, how something has a certain feel to it, how something has a certain balance. i like things that look the way that seems right to my senses. i look at everything as shape and colour and texture, and i like to touch things. i like to smell things, and taste things, like wine and food.

i like the way that a pencil feels on paper, and a good pen. also the way paint goes down onto what is being painted. i like photography and digital work as well.

it’s the way i think. it can’t help it. i really had no choice in the matter. no matter what i do, this is how i see it. it is my art.

and for the longest time, i did not enjoy it. i hid it away and did not create things that like to make or do. i felt a pressure to please other people. and now, i understand myself. and i actually like this part of myself. and i don’t think about someone liking or not liking what it is. i just enjoy it.

and so…here i am. the good, the bad, the ugly, and all the rest.

our goodbyes


I went to a service yesterday
a celebration of life
of a life well lived
in imperfection and struggle
he built bridges
so others could cross over troubled water
to meet in agreement
now he
has crossed over a bridge
we remembered who he was to us
some did not speak of it
some spoke very well
and there were tears
there was silent wailing
turning from there
and going on


max aud
bridge builder

on the heart


This is me, now, on the inside. Yes, I have to admit that I am many ages that insist on coming along for the ride. They don’t let go. Intent on being part of my heart and soul, no matter where I have gone or what I have done.

I look at this picture and I wonder what made me think, all of my life, that I was not pretty. I believe that I listened to the lies and the pressure, and compared myself with people that seemed better than me, smarter than me, prettier than me.  And all along, I did not realize that I was not the only one that felt the need to be accepted.  Today, I know that everyone, of all ages, have their own struggles. And comparing oneself with others is a dead end job. However a certain love is life-giving.

I hope to be able to look past differences, or my own feelings of dissatisfaction or fear, and instead allow Love to be where it is needed. And for this love to feed the hunger and the longing and to give the peace that is beyond our understanding.

It is no use having any armor that is not of the Light. God is what is left when everything else is taken away. The greatest of what is left to anyone, is the living Love that is God, the power that we know personally, and yet we don’t understand in a way that we can put into words.

It is there in spite of our human pettiness, rules, desires, hate, finger pointing, greed, …stupidity, laziness, needs, …expectations of others and ourselves, …selfishness, and fear. It is there, despite all the things that we are, and that we can not be.

We seem to find it impossible to simply give our heart for love in God, and secondly give love to others.  That is just not in our practice of feeding ourselves with what we make… or buy… or build for ourselves…or do for God what we choose.

We don’t listen. We take a simple command and make it into what we want.

All the while, the power is there, in the simple words of directing one’s heart to Love God… and in doing so, connect to the power of light and Love that works in ways beyond our understanding.  And we do not need to understand.  We are children, of all ages, we are children. Good and bad, we are. It is what it is. If anyone compares someone as worse or better, it takes our eyes off of the truth.

Comparison will get believers in Christ nowhere. Finger pointing at others will get believers in Christ nowhere.  As children we have a heart and soul to connect to the greatest power there is.  In simplicity, it is a most important thing that is asked of us.



mere christianity . by c.s.Lewis

No one is blameless.  No one is all good.  We get confused about what is real and what is right. And truly it is easy abandon compassion and mercy when we don’t see any need for it, and we don’t know or accept a person.  If there is a person that we see that is different and seems like a threat to what we have or what we know, it is not likely that love or compassion is the first thing on our minds.  After all, the fact is that there are people that are desperately set on hurting others.  Some are lacking the ability to think any other way.

I don’t think that compassion or love ignores those facts.  I think that it exists because of those facts.  There are many different kinds of problems.  Some of our problems are easily seen, like the problems that can appear as fat, anger, hostility, depression.  And there are some problems that are not easily seen, like stealing money, abuse, addictions, things that can be kept in the home or hidden away.  Our problems vary, and are usually harmful.

We can’t pretend that there are people that don’t have problems.  Everyone does.

That is why Love and compassion is a gift.  We need it.



photograph by nancy marie davis